Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
The Wet Pretzel
Ok Okay!!! I slept in this morning and fell asleep in my throne.. my chair in the living room. I was awoken by the sweet baby patrick.. my grandson with his big smile and wide eyes. he slithered ontop of my lap to watch Madagascar and I still had slit for eyes. I smelled on his breath that he was eating pretzel rods and I asked him for one. Again, my eyes were still slits and bleary.. and lo and behold.. the baby produced a pretzel very quickly!! What a sweet baby and he listens so well!!
So I took the pretzel rod and inserted to the hungry mouth.. and bit a huge piece. Once I bit the friggin thing.. I realized very quickly that this pretzel rod had been soaking in the mouth of the sweet baby for quite a long time! It was soggy and stripped down of the salt in the worst way!!!..
Okay.. I had two options... spit it out and run to the kitchen.. or just.... swallow.. Needless to say I am still nauseated...
I'm just saying..
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Colonoscopy...
ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture ofgoat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture ofgoat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
Kathy Grifin on Conan
Always a hoot and my favorite comedian! My maiden name is Griffin and also Irish Catholic so I think of her as family as she tells my stories in her stand up!!!
I also wanted to share with you guys the guest spot she did on Real Time with Bill Maher, but the only complete clip I cant figure out how to imbed.. so here is a link and go pee your pants.
Kathy Griffin on Real Time
I also wanted to share with you guys the guest spot she did on Real Time with Bill Maher, but the only complete clip I cant figure out how to imbed.. so here is a link and go pee your pants.
Kathy Griffin on Real Time
Monday, October 26, 2009
REALITY BREAKING NEWS!!!
Kim Zolciak Pulls a Britney!!!!! - On X17
NeNe Leakes: ‘I Was Edited To Be An Evil Person’ - Reality Tea
Teresa Guidice is not losing Taj Mahal Mansion after all! - On RealFaux HW
The Real Housewives of Atlanta. The Wig vs. The Moose. - Pretty On The Outside
Three Ways To Fail A Drunk Test
These are great example's on how you can fail a drunken test in the worst condition. This makes me think and wonder if this is how I got that big knot on my head and holes in the walls that I first blamed on the boys....
Things that make you go hmmmmmm.....
Things that make you go hmmmmmm.....
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Amazing Makup Artist and tips by Michelle Phan
This chick is the BOMB when it comes to Makeup and beauty tips! I just discovered her and want to share a few videos she created for Halloween. Below is Barbie and the results are amazing from the before pic.
This is a Lady Gaga Tutorial
This is a Geisha Gal Tutorial
Below is a link to her entire youtube account. She has tips for smokey eyes, makeup for eyeglass wearing peeps, hair designs, etc.
http://www.youtube.com/user/MichellePhan#p
Piano Stairs!! This Is How To Get Peeps Thin Folks!
This was a great experiment. Make stairs entertaining and inadvertantly get peeps to walk the pounds off!! Its fun for the whole family and your large arse!!
This should be a bill presented to congress where all stairs should be mandatory in all public places. Maybe for the guys.. nudies of silhouetted females appear as they step on the stairs. For woman, as they step on the stairs, should be pics of men lowering the toilette seat, vacuuming and changing diapers!!! THe woman will get a huge laugh and stair climb at the same time totally optimizing their workout! They both should be called the fantasy stairs in my opinion..
This should be a bill presented to congress where all stairs should be mandatory in all public places. Maybe for the guys.. nudies of silhouetted females appear as they step on the stairs. For woman, as they step on the stairs, should be pics of men lowering the toilette seat, vacuuming and changing diapers!!! THe woman will get a huge laugh and stair climb at the same time totally optimizing their workout! They both should be called the fantasy stairs in my opinion..
Drunkest Man To Ever Walk!
Ok Okay, I have been out of town and maybe most of you have already seen this video but I couldn't help post and tell a wee story. (spoken with Irish brogue)
I had all the kids in the car coming back from shopping years ago and was cutting through this development when I saw this lad walking almost sideways on the sidewalk and his back was arched so far back while trying to walk forward. Now, I started to slow down and got a bit worried for the young turd and watched from afar to make sure he was okay. I have to say, he was tall and lanky and have never seen a male turd bend so far backwards in a perfect arch and thought maybe he was on drugs or drunk. His legs would stretch out forwards one at a time and each foot had a tough time making the landing.
I now know he was drunk from watching this video and now saw what a drunk looks like walking. (specially if I can't see myself walking in that condition!)
This poor boy below has fallen and can not get up!!!
I'm just saying..
Check out how this blog demonstrates how drunkin peeps are compared to yoga positions. Its a hoot!
http://en.kllproject.lv/people-and-land/yoga-and-drunk-persons/
I had all the kids in the car coming back from shopping years ago and was cutting through this development when I saw this lad walking almost sideways on the sidewalk and his back was arched so far back while trying to walk forward. Now, I started to slow down and got a bit worried for the young turd and watched from afar to make sure he was okay. I have to say, he was tall and lanky and have never seen a male turd bend so far backwards in a perfect arch and thought maybe he was on drugs or drunk. His legs would stretch out forwards one at a time and each foot had a tough time making the landing.
I now know he was drunk from watching this video and now saw what a drunk looks like walking. (specially if I can't see myself walking in that condition!)
This poor boy below has fallen and can not get up!!!
I'm just saying..
Check out how this blog demonstrates how drunkin peeps are compared to yoga positions. Its a hoot!
http://en.kllproject.lv/people-and-land/yoga-and-drunk-persons/
Baby Dancing The Stanky Legs
HOLY CRAPPOLA!!! This baby got some moves that can put most of these readers to shame! You got to be born with the groove this baby is getting on.
Ch CH Check it out!!
Ch CH Check it out!!
"Don't Stop Believing" An Awesome Cover
If you love Journey, you will love this cover of Don't Stop Believing by this talented kid who sings all the vocals.
I would love to clone myself 5 times for other purposes thou.
1 - To cook like a good mother should
2 - To take care of the Mr Man LIKE I should
3 - To clean the house and rid all the dust mites and critters like I should
4 - To have a clone to wake up the turd for school like I should with a smile
&
5 - To spend more time primping.. or maybe just showering like I shuldda...
I'm just saying..
I would love to clone myself 5 times for other purposes thou.
1 - To cook like a good mother should
2 - To take care of the Mr Man LIKE I should
3 - To clean the house and rid all the dust mites and critters like I should
4 - To have a clone to wake up the turd for school like I should with a smile
5 - To spend more time primping.. or maybe just showering like I shuldda...
I'm just saying..
St Martin Pics Are Here For My Fellow Bloggers!
Okay Peeps, I have some pics for your drooling pleasure. I arrived home last night and had to stop first at Toys R US cause my grandson will not talk to me unless he has the latest Buzz Light Year and the cococut shell necklaces with a dolphin pendant and another with a Shark Tooth will not cut it for a three year old! I called him from the island the other night since I missed his Mickey Mouse voice and he asked me if I bought him a present. I said yes I did sweetie!, he asked.. Is it Yo Gabba Gabba? I said no. He asked is it Sparticus? I said nooooo.. Then he asked.. Is it Buzz Light Year? I gulped.. and said ahh nooo.. The he said.. Okay.. here is dad. My heart sunk and me and Mr Man knew what we had to do. Here is 70 bucks well spent on a sweet babies face below: (Patrick Kevin Gilmore.. AKA Mr Excitement!)
Then Mr Man wanted to stop for fast food and EAT INSIDE and all I can do is think about my bed and sleep! I need to detox in the worst way.
Oh speaking of booze!!! Duty free alcohol rocks!! I got tons of liquore's and island rum for a few paso's, Euro's or Guilders! What ever floats your boat! (The island is half French and half Dutch as a P.S.) I have had some of the most amazing food eva!!! While swimming in the pools, I had local woman stringing me up some necklaces for the peeps here at home, Tiger eye set for my mom, Jade for the daughter inlaw and all kind of other funky island stuff for the boys.
I did not get the earring and necklace set from Mr Man that I wanted but I did get this awesome ring. More drooling material below:
Then Mr Man wanted to stop for fast food and EAT INSIDE and all I can do is think about my bed and sleep! I need to detox in the worst way.
If you squeeze me now, you will get 3 Maitai's. If you squeeze my sister Mona, you will get 4 vokda, club and limes. We are both marinated fruits I tell ya!
Oh speaking of booze!!! Duty free alcohol rocks!! I got tons of liquore's and island rum for a few paso's, Euro's or Guilders! What ever floats your boat! (The island is half French and half Dutch as a P.S.) I have had some of the most amazing food eva!!! While swimming in the pools, I had local woman stringing me up some necklaces for the peeps here at home, Tiger eye set for my mom, Jade for the daughter inlaw and all kind of other funky island stuff for the boys.
I did not get the earring and necklace set from Mr Man that I wanted but I did get this awesome ring. More drooling material below:
Isn't Mr Man the BOMB!!! He totally rocks me rocks!!!! I am collecting quite a collection! I have already decided that if we ever break up.. I am going on Judge Mathis to fight... for my rights.... TO KEEP.. THE JEWELRY!!!!!! Someday I will post a pic of my engagement ring.. it totally rocks!!! Here is a pic of the Mr Man contemplating all the friggin jewlelry stores that we rocked many hours a day. He totally hated it but the main reason was that my sis and her hubby loves to shop for the gems when they go each year. The second reason is that they roll out the red carpet and fill you with exotic beer, wine and champagne and mostly for the island rum that tastes like malt rootbeer. I guess the premise is that they liquor you up to loosen the wallet. The Mr Man knows this and was fighting it toof and nail but he had to finally succump to the evil of a buzz!! That island rum is smooth but hits you upside da head!!
Now some pics of the heavenly place we stayed at with our lovely views...
My sis and her Mr Man.. they are the jewelry magnates who spend a zillion dollars on gems that will make your eyes bleed
Me and Mr Man.. I swear I dont look that fat in real life or I have perpetual wine goggles on..
The Men in their missionary position
Well folks.. it was quite a week with my left foot busted, my right foot inadvertantly scabbed on the heel from a bad pedicure gone wrong, bronchitus.. and what else.. an aversion to the heat!!!! Lo and behold I had a great time and the best part was coming home to the sweet baby grandson who had that amazing face for his new toy and told me atleast 50 times.. THANK YOU GRANDMA!! I kid you not.. he could not be more grateful by the look of his face.. What a sweetie pie! As I said.. money well spent.
In a few weeks I am going to Florida to see my daughter and my other 2 gbabies with my sis again who is my right brain, Mr Man and My 18 year old son Kevin. I will have lots more stories but will post here instead of other sites. I need to chronicle this stuff!!!
I'm just saying...
Monday, October 5, 2009
Glee Sneak Peak For Your Viewing Pleasure
I love love love this freaking show!!! This is like the 70's nightime variety hour show mixed in with a soap opera that I used to watch after school. I love love love this show and I forcefully suggest you all should watch to get the hairs raised off your arms mixed with a wee tear coming down from your wee eyes!!!!
Christen Chenowith was on last week and totally made my hairs stand up and stop breathing! Please peeps.. go .. run.. SET YOUR DVR'S!!!! Glee Peeps!!!
I'm Just Saying...
Christen Chenowith was on last week and totally made my hairs stand up and stop breathing! Please peeps.. go .. run.. SET YOUR DVR'S!!!! Glee Peeps!!!
I'm Just Saying...
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