Sunday nights just got a whole lot better, people. What better way to end the weekend than sitting in front of the ladies from Atlanta? Let's jump right in with Miss Kim. Kimmy Kim Kim. We know you want to be Lady Gaga. We get it. We even have a great name for you - Duchess OMG. Imagine the air kisses you can share with the Countess! Shut the front door! But sweetie, it's just not gonna happen. That's not to say you aren't going to be the best Kim Zolciak ever. We believe you can do it. We're just not with you on the singing thing.
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Now Lawrence? We're with Lawrence. The world needs more Lawrence in it. Kandi, why are you so worried about how much work Lawrence is willing to put in? You should be worrying about how much work you have to put in. We've all heard him and we've all heard Kim. You stick with developing Lawrence and I promise you're going to have all kinds of free time. You'll have so much time on your hands you'll be able to get through every color of Kool-Aid hair by spring and buy your mom some new sex toys. I liked Kandi's Closet Freak song and Lawrence gets in a great zinger about Kim. Two snaps up in a Z formation! Really, though, he's got a point. That song does make more sense coming from Kim but damn if I want to hear her sing it.
I didn't notice it earlier but that sure is a lovely shade of bitch that Kim is wearing, isn't it? Good luck in Kansas? Has Kim ever been to Kansas? She must think Lawrence will do good in Kansas because he knows about these notes and things that Kandi keeps talking about. If only they had some curtains up in here.
Heading over to Nene's house we learn that Bryce has burned 30 of his 90 days and still doesn't have a job. Good for Nene riding his butt about it, but I kind of wish she wouldn't offer to hook Bryce up with Peter. Bryce needs to learn the art of the hustle. Nene is an excellent example and it's too bad he doesn't follow her lead. I also think Bryce would do well to work a crap job for awhile, but I think everyone should have to work a crap job for awhile. I'm all boughetto that way.
Next we meet Cynthia's ex. Why did she let this one go? He seems like a great guy. I was impressed with the fact that he flew down to Atlanta from NY three or four times a month to see his kid, especially when you consider he's getting TSAed on a near-weekly basis.
Our first visit to Phaedra's office finds her meeting with LaTavia Roberson, an original member of Destiny's Child. Good for LaTavia. She tells us she's coming back from some unfortunate choices and her story makes Phaedra's eye leak. She's on a mission to come ba...wait, what? I remember back when DVRs first came out and I remember thinking how stupid it was to have yet another piece of equipment to hook up to the damn television. It was obviously just another ploy from big electronics to make dudes part with their money. But then there are moments such as this. Because I know I didn't just hear LaTavia Roberson and Phaedra Parks, entertainment attorney extraordinaire, anonymously slam Beyonce Knowles on television. Rewind that shit. Oh, damn, I DID just hear LaTavia Roberson and Phaedra Parks, entertainment attorney extraordinaire, anonymously slam Beyonce Knowles on television. This whole scene must be a dream sequence, though, because I just checked Wikipedia and LaTavia's page says nothing about a DUI and jail time. Wikipedia or it didn't happen, folks.
Once again we find ourselves in one of Atlanta's many Mexican restaurants. By now we've learned that nachos = Kim and Nene (thanks, Pavlov!) and we are not disappointed. Check that, now I'm disappointed that I don't have a giant pastel margarita to drink. Nene's having a bad time with Greg. I feel bad for Nene. Given the ATL filming schedule and the timing of the rumors of Greg and Nene splitting up I'm figuring they were having a lot of trouble during last season's taping. That would go a long way towards explaining Nene's personality change in season two. Nene seems to be getting back to her old self and we are happy to see fabulous Nene clawing her way back. It really helps to have friends to talk to when you are going through crap. Good on you, Kim, for being there for her. She needs someone to listen and understand. And it's great you can relate what with all her Big Papa dramas. You two are so similar. It's like the exact same thing. Greg is lying and cheating on Nene and shitting all over their 13 year marriage and Big Papa is treating you like the other woman. The nerve! Dudes suck, yo.
So by now we all know that you, dear reader, are conflicted. On the one hand, you want to keep reading this hilarious recap. On the other, you're itching to whip out your finest stationery and dash off a gushing masterpiece of fan mail. Before you do so, I need to let you know where to send your flattery. My new mailing address will be ........
Kim Zolciak's storage unit
Atlanta, Georgia
..... because I just looked around and realized that the crap Kim gets rid of is putting the crap I live with to shame. Before I move, though, I need to get rid of my crap. Thankfully, I now know that if I drag everything to an unspecified burgers-shakes-fries parking lot I will get a much better price on said crap. How did I not ever see this before? All those garage sales I've had and I never realized. Look at how many benefits you get! Plenty of great sunlight, room to really space out and set things up in a visually pleasing manner, high volume traffic, shoppers who carry $4000 in cash on them in case they run across a great deal on used bedroom furniture. I'm going to get together with the guy that sells purses out of his trunk and see if I can piggyback off his regulars. Too bad someone didn't snag Kim's yearbook before she realized it. I'd love to read those autographs. OMG.
The best thing about having a parking lot garage sale is that you can just wander off for lunch with friends. Have we talked about how classy Phaedra is, yet? I just think it is super classy to not scream like a wolf and poop on the table when you're having a baby. I have some doctor and nurse type friends and they all agree. It's not even a 4 out of 5 agree sort of thing. It's all of 'em. Every single one. No one wants to see you poop on a table, even if you are a glitter shitter and match the color to your eyelids. I do hope they don't schedule Phaedra's early induction and not let her know what day she's supposed to show up. That seems like one of those events you'd want to nail the time and date down on and not have it all up the air, next Wednesday, maybe. I could be totally wrong but I'm sure Phaedra will forgive me if I am. How would I understand, what with me all not working like her. If I was Phaedra I'd be working Apollo all day, every day. Twice on Sundays. It's the Lord's day.
It's time for second lunch with Kim. She's being all brave and telling Kandi exactly what she thinks of the song. Normally she isn't so ballsy but she's still mad at dad for only getting $10,350 for her stuff. Fuckin' parents. How do they work? Kandi just doesn't understand that Kim isn't in love with this song. Christ on a cracker, Tardy for the Party was perfect the first time she heard it. It was so perfect they totally kept the country vibe and she sang it as originally written. Kandi didn't get paid anything for it because she didn't do anything to it, like set it to a dance track and autotune the hell out of Kim's voice. Duh.
Phew, this episode is a long one! Has it really only been 45 minutes? What the hell else can they pack into this one? More Nene? Okay, I'm cool. Nene's very gracious to Peter when he and Cynthia arrive. I hope you appreciate what your mama's doing for you, Brice. Damn, Greg, where'd you get that big ass chip on your shoulder? How mad are you that you're going to go off like that in front of guests and a camera crew? Uncomfortable. I'm even looking away from the teevee. That's it, Nene, you need to go. You deserve better. Greg doesn't like talking because it's harder to keep track of your lies when you talk too much. If you just keep your mouth shut all the time you don't have to think as much. Run, Nene. Remember how well you did running in heels? Put on some comfy track shoes and chew some asphalt, sisterfriend. You can come stay with me the storage place. I've got four whole rooms.
So what you peeps think about our guest blogger? What? You want to know who the blogger is? My lips are sealed tighter than a virgin on prom night.
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